Frequently Asked Questions about Divorce Mediation

I was a divorce mediation client before I was a divorce mediator, so I have first-hand experience with the questions often asked about mediation for separation and divorce. In writing these FAQs, I’ve tried to include the kinds of questions that were on my mind over a decade ago, when (with some anxiety) I got ready to make an initial phone call to a local mediator. Please feel free to contact Donna or me by phone or by e-mail with any additional questions you may have.
              -- John Spiegel

What Is Mediation?
Mediation is a process in which the two of you talk together, with the guidance of a specially trained facilitator, to figure out your own solutions to your disputes.

What Is the Goal of Divorce Mediation?
Divorce mediation gives you an opportunity, as a couple, to work out the terms of your separation and/or divorce. The mediation process provides a humane and effective alternative to litigation. If you have minor children, the mediation will focus on three key sets of issues: parenting plan, division of property, and financial support. If you do not have minor children, the mediation generally will focus on financial issues: division of property, and financial support. Depending on your circumstances, you may choose to use mediation to work out a temporary separation agreement or, instead, a comprehensive agreement called a “Marital Settlement Agreement.” Once the Marital Settlement Agreement has been signed, you can use it as the basis for seeking an uncontested divorce decree from the court.

What Does the Mediation Process Look Like?
Divorce mediations begin with an orientation session. This session lasts from 1 to 1 1/2 hours. I (or Donna and I, if you choose co-mediation) will explain to both of you in detail how the mediation process works and, after hearing from you about your family situation, I will set out a proposed agenda of specific issues that would need to be addressed in mediation. If you decide to go forward with mediation, we will schedule one or more sessions, and I will give you your "homework" for the first session.

Mediation sessions (after the orientation) are generally two hours long, with a short break in the middle. We will sit together around a circular coffee table and talk in as natural and relaxed a way as possible. I will act as your guide and talk you through the issues in a thoughtful sequence. Where useful, I may meet separately with each of you, usually for about 10 to 15 minutes during the two-hour session.

The agenda for each session will generally have been decided and agreed on in advance. At the beginning of each session we will review the prior session together: what was decided and what remains to be done. Then we will review the homework and begin discussing the issues on the agenda, or address any pressing issues that have come up since the last session. When working on financial support issues, we probably will use the computer to do budgeting and to calculate the state child support guidelines. At the end of each session, homework will be given for the next session.

We will meet until all the issues have been resolved. At that point, I will begin drafting an agreement. After you have had a chance to review the draft agreement, we will meet again to go over it together. I will then prepare a revised version which will be ready for attorney review. I recommend to all my clients that you each have your own attorney review any draft agreement I have prepared, before you sign it.

Is Mediation Only for People Who Get Along Reasonably Well? What If My Spouse and I Cannot Stand to Be in the Same Room Together?
Mediation can work well in both high-conflict and low-conflict cases. It is in the high-conflict cases where mediation, as an alternative to litigation, can often save the most time, money, and emotional turmoil.

I enjoy the challenge of difficult cases. Many are difficult only on the surface. Underneath are the same reasons to work things out amicably as in less difficult situations.

In some instances, when two people cannot be together, I will meet with each person separately and conduct a type of shuttle diplomacy.

What Is the Mediator's Role?
As your mediator, I will guide you through the issues in a sequence that promotes thoughtful decision making, facilitate your communications with each other, and document your decisions. I will be neutral and unbiased. I will not make decisions for you or act as a judge. I believe you can make the best decisions for yourselves, and I can help you reach that point.

As a mediator, I have been through this process hundreds of times. I know the issues to be addressed and appreciate the emotional turmoil that is involved. I can visualize the end of the process even when participants are having a hard time seeing the next step. Part of my role is to provide information and suggest options to consider. Often I can tell you common ways other people have handled similar situations, so you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. I can help you explore creative solutions when you want to go in new directions.

I will provide an environment where listening and good thinking can go on. I will make sure you each have a chance to be fully heard without interruptions. In difficult situations, I will help you set boundaries and encourage respectful behavior. Unlike litigation, in mediation many people learn skills of communication that can be useful in the future.

During each session I will also document the decisions that have been made. If you live in Maryland or DC, I will draft a marital settlement agreement. When signed, this agreement is an enforceable contract and can be used as the basis for seeking an uncontested divorce decree from the court. If you live in another area, I will draft a memorandum of understanding that can be taken to an attorney in your state.

Finally, I will be in charge of hopefulness. It’s a task I’m well qualified to perform, because I am a full-time divorce mediator, and most of my clients resolve all necessary issues in mediation. So I see mediation successes on a daily basis.

How Much Does Mediation Cost? How Long Does It Take?

There is an hourly fee for mediation sessions and the drafting of the agreement. The fee is $300 per hour to mediate with John, $225 per hour to mediate with Donna, and $400 per hour for co-mediation. Mediations resulting in a comprehensive “Marital Settlement Agreement” generally take about 6 two-hour sessions. Some couples are able to complete their work in as few as 2 sessions, while other couples need more than 6 sessions. The writing of the comprehensive agreement takes approximately 4 to 6 hours. The average cost for a complete mediation including the orientation, mediation sessions and drafting of a comprehensive agreement ranges from $4000 to $8000.

Mediations with the goal of completing a temporary separation agreement often take 2 to 3 two-hour sessions. The writing of this agreement takes 2 to 3 hours. The average cost of mediations to complete a temporary separation agreement ranges from $1500 to $3000. Each family situation is unique and your cost may be more or less.

I am aware that separation and divorce are times of financial hardship for many families. With that in mind, I try to be as efficient as possible in the mediation sessions and encourage and guide couples in homework they can do on their own.

It can be helpful to remember that mediation is an alternative to the more costly route of litigation. A divorce trial generally costs 10 to 20 times as much as mediation!

What Is the Role of Attorneys in Mediation?
I do recommend to all my clients that you each have your separate attorney review any draft agreement I have prepared, before you sign it. Many clients also find it helpful to consult with an attorney as they go through the mediation process. This helps them develop options to present in mediation or get feedback to the options already discussed in mediation.

Most couples are able to complete the mediation process without having their attorneys participate in the session. In some cases it has proved helpful to have the attorneys participate. This option is available to all couples. Even when attorneys are present, the clients do most of the talking.